When I Remember. . .

"That boy is gone.
Sometimes I miss the way he wept at night.
To be still and not run,
To be rocked to sleep in your light.
These days there is not much that will bring tears to my eyes,
But when I remember who i am and who you are,
When I remember. . .
A cloud moves in, rain falls, thunder strikes, and sunshine breaks through the clouds.

I am walking blind,
So distracted that I dont even feel when you hold me.
When did I grow such thick skin?
You are my sunshine and rain,
My joy and sweet pain.
I'm a spotless stain.
That boy is gone,
But nobody moves me like you do
When I remember. . .

A cloud moves in, rain falls, thunder strikes
And sunshine breaks through the clouds
I can cry out of sorrow and joy
Every drop of rain turns into a crystal in the sun
So wash my eyes, my clothes, my skin, my bones, my soul
My feet, my love
I'm not forgotten
I'm in your thoughts cause I feel sunshine in the rain

To this day nobody moves,
Nobody,
Nobody moves me like you do."


It's funny when parts of your past poke their heads into your life again. I used to listen to those guys all the time when I was younger, but I never knew that they wrote this, or anything like it. This is the cry of my soul. I am something more than what I am now.

Procrastination is like masturbation: in the end, you're only screwing yourself

You know how everyone says that you can't be successful if you put things off until the last minute? It's one of those things I just sort of smiled and nodded to, but basically ignored. I had great grades in high school and college, was involved in everything, and was still incredibly lazy. I did my homework the night before, the morning of, or during class, and got through tests and discussions largely through my memory and my ability to bullshit. I figured if I worked hard during practice and rehearsal, turned in a passable assignment, and paid attention during class; I would be fine. There were a couple of close shaves, but I got A's, a starting spot, scholarships, and roles. I never took the idea of preparing very seriously.

Until this semester started kicking my ass. I have homework assignments out the wazoo, a job, passport and scholarship applications, 18 hours of class time, and no clue how I'm going to get caught up. Sorry, world, but Spring break was not long enough. I might have to mimic my roommate and hide myself away for a few weeks, venturing out only for class and food.

I'm really glad I'm the oldest. I used to hate it. I hated the responsibility, hated baby sitting, hated everything always being my fault. I got used to it, and even grew to like it. Now I thank God I'm not one of the younger ones. After seeing the people they are becoming, I think if I were younger I would be afraid of living in their shadows.

Ellen's queen of everything: the prom, jr. miss, the golf team, the dance studio, the stage. Neil's a two sport letterman as a sophomore, and probably a better athlete than I'll ever be. Steve may be more gifted than all of us put together. I'm glad I'm not the youngest. I don't have to worry about proving myself, or trying to surpass them. Instead, I can just watch them and be proud.

It's really weird though, watching them. Neil can outrun me now, and he's almost as tall as I am. Steve is wittier and more athletic than most people I know in college. Ellen's almost in college. I'm twenty years old. This is nuts.

Halfway there, and so am I. . .

Today is a good day. Mr. Nicholson's check may not be huge, but it knocks out almost a sixth of what Oxford will cost. At this point, I really wasn't expecting it either, especially after Brittanni got one of the grants. But there it is, another thousand dollars I won't have to earn (or I can spend on travel expenses).

It's amazing how after two weeks of hell, things start to come together. Dr. Raschko wants to help me with grad school. I got to pray for a friend who I never thought would want it. I won some money. No class today, and my school won the game. Life is good. I know things will probably go from good to suck to good and to suck again before the next time I post. It's important to remember these times though. To many times do men curse the heavens after falling off the chair God made them. I know my life will never be perfect or easy, but every now and then I think He lets me know that it'll still be good.

I haven't gotten everything together yet. I've still got a lot of stuff to work through, and it'll be a sleepy day in class tomorrow. But storms can never erase sunshine, hard as they try to cover it up. I won't let anything let me forget the moments of grace I see, even if they are vastly outnumbered by moments of pain and failure. It's enough. I survived half the semester. Round 4, final bout of sophomore year. Next year I'm a junior. Weird.