And so it ends. . .

My freshman year at college comes to a close. Goodbye thirty grand and one year of my life. This year brought its share of success and failure with it. I fell in love with poetry, literature, and theatre all over again. I earned high marks in several classes, scraped by in a few others, and even dropped one. I got my first lead role in any production ever. I got drunk for the first and probably the last time in my life. I pursued a few romantic interest, which in turn were filled with their own successes and failures. Two of them were just mistakes at parties. I had my first break up and my first full fledged relationship. And I may be in love for the first time. I changed my career path twice, and my roommate once. I learned how unbearable it can be to live with someone, and I also learned how rewarding it can be. I wrote some poems I am proud of and several I am not. I skipped class for the first time, and I earned a reputation for being late. I think I found out more about who I am, and I feel like I'm more comfortable with it now. I learned to be spontaneous, and I learned that I have more to offer this world than I had first believed. I have also discoverd several faults in myself, namely an need to be validated, lack of punctuality, laziness, and heedlessnes. I made a lot of friends and a few enemies. I'm saying goodbye to Plunket forever, and I'm saying goodbye to a few friends for now. This summer I'll see if I can get another job or if this relationship can survive a two hour distance.

Halfway over

I set out to do a lot of things this semester that I did not do, and the semester is halfway over. I hoped to achieve a lot this semester, and I'll be the first to admit my failures. Too many classes, too many lines too learn, too many things to think about. I bit off more than I could chew and it drove me to do things I never thought I would do. To blow of steam I ended up making a fool of myself at a party, becoming the very thing I looked down upon my whole life, a drunk hormonal idiot. And though it could have been much worse, my couple hours of fun costed me. I put myself in a place with someone I really should not have been in, not being fair to her feelings or mine. Not only that, but I hurt my reputation and credibility. I may have lost respect from a few people who I care for deeply, one in particular. How can I tell them what I believe to be true when I act like that? Will they always think less of me now? There more I think about it the more I realize how painfully insecure I am, and how other people are noticing.

I hate quitting more than I can say, mostly because it is something that spreads like wildfire, like the plague. I seem to have contracted this particular virus too. I quit calculus, (which I never should have signed up for) which is the closest to failing a class I have ever come. I quit reading for my classes, relying on sparknotes and my ability to bs my way through a discussion. Every day I start poems, stories, assignments, and ideas that still lie unfinished. I keep putting God, writing, and exercise on hold, wasting hours in front of a screen. And I am paying for it. Not to say that now I'm some reprobate bum now, and I'm absolutely hellbound. I know better than to be that melo-dramatic. I also know in the grand scheme of things these problems are insignificant. But I know I'm squandering what I have, and the time I have to use it.

At the same time I have accomplished things. I have learned. I have grown. I made new friends and rediscovered Shakespeare. I got a big role in a production and I tried some new things. I do have a few scars from this, but I know God can help me salvage what I need out of this, and I still have half a semester left. Let's see where it takes me. There are definitely still possibilities.

so many things to say

But I don't have the words for them. God has taken care of me in ways I had no idea he would. This semester will definitely be exciting, make no mistake. Balancing all of these classes (and a teacher that needs meds) along with everything else I have going on will make or break me. I got the part in the play I didn't dream of playing and a date with a girl I almost gave up hope on. I don't even have the free time to be writing this, but I need to remember today. Because when things get rough, and I know they will, I need to remember that today everything fell into place. Today calculus made sense. Today I sang on key. Today I knew what to do for my lines. Today I worked up the nerve to do what I wanted to a long time ago. Today I kissed a girl with dancing eyes. Today I'm on the eagle's wings and I can touch the sun, even if the storm and fall come tomorrow.