Enough

I am tired of not doing what I say I'm going to do and doing exactly what I say I'm not going to. I tell myself, "Okay, all you have to do today is this one assignment." Then I proceed to do everything but (as I am doing right now) until my work piles up on the day before everything is due, and in a frantic and desperate attempt to finish everything, I turn out a series of just pasable efforts to stave off the inevitable failure that will come my way unless I change something now. It's not just homework though. I'm too lazy to work, to lazy to finish the stupid novel, that stupid short story or those stupid poems. I don't have the motivation to finish books I love, even when they're assigned to me. And the worst of it is that my time with God has been utterly non-existant.

Furthermore I have personal convictions that have been present in my mind since I was thirteen years old, and I am tired of not walking in them. I am tired of being unable to say no because I am afraid of hurting someone's feelings. I'm tired of not being able to tell a person that I don't want to spend every waking moment with her (even though she is the one person I spend more time with than anyone or anything else) without her blowing up, and I'm tired of staving off the inevitable. I'm tired of being spineless, and I'm tired of feeling guilty for every five minutes I spend apart from her.

I'm tired of her asking for a future I can't promise and I begin to doubt is possible. I know this is going to suck. And I already feel like an ass.